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Wednesday, September 21, 2016

It isn't just happening to me.

I am staying positive, trust me I have my moments that start to drag me down but then I look at my lovely husband and admire how strong he is being through "my" diagnosis.  I know it is hard on him and he has garnered a lot of courage to have patience with me as I wait and research and try to process everything that is going on and think about what my life will be like once I have surgery.

Today I realized it is wearing on him, I know because his patience is starting to fade.....this is no and I mean NO fault of his because honestly mine has too.  The only thing keeping my mood from dropping drastically is the anti-depresant my neurologist prescribed me prior to finding out about the tumor.  It was meant as a treatment for my headaches but I know it couldn't have come at a better time to help me get through this.  My spouse on the other hand all he has to get through this are his own thoughts and perceptions of this bump in our lives.

While it is easy to think about all of the things happening to me, I also need to thank him for loving me.  I have even apologized to him for putting him through this....he tells me I don't have to be sorry because we will get it removed and move on....that might sound cold and short answered but he is right, we have to work through it and then start our lives off in a different way.

Our kids have been doing ok with the whole situation because we are staying as normal as possible, I stay strong and if we do talk about it I am very matter of fact in saying the truth to things and making sure they see the strong side of their mom not the utterly terrified, anxious and on the verge of tears mom.  I sat them down and talked to them just a few days after I found out and they asked their own questions and ultimately they both have asked to just not talk about it and I will respect that.  I do remind them if they have any questions to make sure and ask me so we can get them the answers they need but I won't push them.  They are smart and they may not understand 100% what is going to happen but honesty is key and they trust me to not lead them astray and to always be open with them.

I have been getting extra hugs and they have been amazingly obedient which tells me they are thinking about it in their own way.

I love my family and I am one lucky girl to have the support I do from my friends but the three people I get hugs and kisses from each night light the way for me on so many dark paths to help guide me back to living and loving life to the utmost enjoyment.

I will do what I need to do for me to get through this and I will also respect my loves as they go through it too and allow them to process as necessary.  Take a breath before you speak, losing your cool will not help anyone in this situation especially you!

Monday, September 19, 2016

First Consult

Today I met with Dr. Feehs of Denver Ear Associates.  I really liked him which makes me happy because the reviews I read had me thinking he was going to be heartless and a jerk and that his office staff would be rude and inconsiderate.  They were all nice!.

I arrived about 40 minutes early for my appointment and they actually brought me back early to begin my hearing test.  The hearing test took about 15 minutes and came back with the expected results: my right ear is perfect and my left ear has hearing loss.  The hearing loss in my left ear appears better than my last one but the difference in the two is farther apart on the scale.  My right ear is at a '0' and my left ear is at a 10 Hearing Test Results Form dropping lower for low tones.

We waited for about 30 minutes and went in to see the doc.  I brought my husband along with me and also brought my computer, I forgot to print out my questions so brought the computer to just type them down.  Do not go to these appointments alone, I had the questions there with me and still forgot to use them because the conversation was going smoothly, Sean was really good about making sure we asked the questions and we only managed to miss a few on the list but I can get those answered at my next appointment which is with the neurosurgeon tomorrow.

The plan set with this doctor is to proceed with translab approach with also guarantees hearing loss.  Regardless there will be hearing loss and with surgery there is just more of a chance for it but more of a chance to resect the entire tumor.  Once the surgeons get in my head they will do everything possible to preserve my facial function even if that means leaving part of the tumor in tact.

The hearing nerve is a sensory nerve which means once it is damaged there is no reversing the damage and the nerve its self will not heal over time.

The facial nerve is a motor nerve which means it can heal its self over time possible so while I may have facial paralysis after surgery it could be temporary. This we won't know until surgery is done.

As of right now I am moving forward with scheduling a surgery date with this surgeon while I wait for a consult with the second surgeon on the 28th. I choose to move forward because I can't get in for surgery until Mid November and by waiting to see the other surgeon the chance of my surgery date being even later is highly probable and that doesn't work for me.  Tomorrow morning I will meet with the neurosurgeon to discuss the surgery more in depth.


           Diagram showing where my tumor is located (left side)
the tumor starts in the bone that covers the nerves and the mushrooms out and is pressing on the brain. It is a good size right now and not causing damage as of yet, waiting is not an option though.

Here are the questions we had to ask and the answers in red for the ones we got.
  
 How many ANs have you removed? How?
A. hundreds, radiation & surgically
How long is the wait for surgery? 
A. November
What specific training in AN surgery have you had? 
A.
What microsurgical approach do you recommend given my tumor size, location, age, health  and level of hearing? Why? (If the tumor is under 2.5 cm, ask about radiation therapy.) 
A. translab
How many ANs similar to mine have you removed with the surgical approach you recommend? 
A. The size of my tumor is most common in my age group
Do you electrically monitor the facial nerve during surgery? (If the answer is no, look elsewhere.
A. Yes
Will a team of physicians with more than one specialty do this surgery? (The norm is a Neurotolgist and a Neurosurgeon. Some hospitals assign an internist to monitor your overall health before and immediately after surgery.
A. Yes, neurotologist and neurosurgeon

 a tumor the size and shape of mine, what have been your results with respect to preserving permanent facial function? (There is actually a rating system for retention of long-term facial function, called “the House-Brackmann scale. Your surgeon should be familiar with this. You can also Google this to learn more.) 
A.
Do you expect there be temporary facial paralysis, and if so, to what degree? (There usually is some.) 
A. unknown, but will try to prevent
How long is your typical surgery for a tumor like mine?(The shorter you’re under anesthesia, the better, and your recovery could be somewhat less difficult.
A. 6-8 hours
Do you anticipate total tumor removal with a single operation? If not,what are my follow-up options? Surgery? Radiation? (This is important. Unless yours is an unusually complicated case, a single surgery to completely remove the tumor is the norm for the best AN surgeons. Unless there is a very good reason otherwise, one surgery is the only acceptable answer.) 
A. if nerve effects facial function part of the tumor may remain with possibility of     radiation in the future if it grows
What is the likelihood that my remaining hearing will be preserved after this surgery? (With Translab, it is zero. With Retrosigmoid and Middle Fossa, it is anywhere from 20% to 60%, depending on location, pre-existing level of hearing loss, and experience of the surgeon. Discuss the pros and cons of your situation, and the trade-offs relative to the side effects of each approach.) Google “acoustic neuroma surgical approaches.” 
A. 0%
If hearing preservation is unlikely,will you honor my wishes not to cut the facial nerve under any circumstances, even if it means leaving a sliver of tumor behind? (The ramifications of cutting the facial nerve are substantial, leaving the AN side of your face, including your eye, essentially paralyzed. There are follow-up surgeries that can restore some mobility, but in my opinion you want to avoid having your facial nerve severed. Period. Unless your life depends on it.) Google “acoustic neuroma facial paralysis.” 
A. goal is always to preserve facial function
In your experience,when leaving in small pieces of residual tumor on the brainstem or facial nerve, does tumor growth usually stop? 
A. more often yes with surgical removal, mutated growth possible with radiation (he hasn't witnessed it himself though)
Given the approach you’ve recommended, what has been your rate of surgical complication with respect to stroke, infection, bleeding, cerebral spinal fluid (CSF) leak, eye issues, and headaches? 
A.
What do you do to minimize post-surgery headaches? NOTE: If you have a history of headaches, discuss this with your physician.
A.
How much discomfort should I expect from headaches and from the incision after surgery? 
A.
Does your hospital have a neurological intensive care unit?
A. one overnight stay
About how many days will I be in the hospital? 
A. 4ish days
How often should I schedule follow-up MRI's after treatment? 
A. one year if fully removed, possibly 6 months if not fully removed
Will I need follow-up care? Physical Therapy or Vestibular Therapy referral?
A. recommended therapy after complete healing 9would like to review this more)
If you’re comfortable with the surgeon and the answers, get at least three references, preferably people of similar age, health, and with tumor size. 
A.
All other things being equal, when can the surgery be scheduled? 
A. November

Is there anything that could prevent surgery from happening once it is scheduled?
A. viral infection or gastro issues like vomiting

How much will you need to shave my head?
A. should only need to shave a small area

How close to the brainstem is the tumor located?

A. pushing on the brain

Saturday, September 17, 2016

Anxiety, wanting to know but scared to.

I have my first consultation with Dr. Feehs at www.denverear.com . It is my first of two with the second being on September 28th with Dr. Lupo at www.rockymountainearcenter.com .  I think I am prepared, I have my MRI disc to bring and I have a list of questions some of my own and some that were recommended to me.

Here are the questions I plan to bring with me (I will add a new post with the answers to the questions as well! (A. - this is for when you print it to write your answers.)

Please share any additional questions in the comments below.

Acoustic Neuroma Surgery: Questions you should ask prospective surgeons

(Many of these questions came from the ANAUSA website. I have added others, made some comments, and modified some others)

How many ANs have you removed this month and so far this year? 
A.
In your career, how many AN surgeries have you performed, and over what period of time? 
A.
What specific training in AN surgery have you had? 
A.
      What microsurgical approach do you recommend given my tumor size, location, age, health and level of hearing? Why? (If the tumor is under 2.5 cm, ask about radiation therapy.) 
A.
How many ANs similar to mine have you removed with the surgical approach you recommend? 
A.
Do you electrically monitor the facial nerve during surgery? (If the answer is no, look elsewhere.
A.
Will a team of physicians with more than one specialty do this surgery? (The norm is a Neurotolgist and a Neurosurgeon. Some hospitals assign an internist to monitor your overall health before and immediately after surgery.
A.

For a tumor the size and shape of mine, what have been your results with respect to preserving permanent facial function? (There is actually a rating system for retention of long-term facial function, called “the House-Brackmann scale. Your surgeon should be familiar with this. You can also Google this to learn more.) 
A.
Do you expect there be temporary facial paralysis, and if so, to what degree? (There usually is some.) 
A.
How long is your typical surgery for a tumor like mine?(The shorter you’re under anesthesia, the better, and your recovery could be somewhat less difficult.
A.
Do you anticipate total tumor removal with a single operation? If not,what are my follow-up options? Surgery? Radiation? (This is important. Unless yours is an unusually complicated case, a single surgery to completely remove the tumor is the norm for the best AN surgeons. Unless there is a very good reason otherwise, one surgery is the only acceptable answer.) 
A.
What is the likelihood that my remaining hearing will be preserved after this surgery? (With Translab, it is zero. With Retrosigmoid and Middle Fossa, it is anywhere from 20% to 60%, depending on location, pre-existing level of hearing loss, and experience of the surgeon. Discuss the pros and cons of your situation, and the trade-offs relative to the side effects of each approach.) Google “acoustic neuroma surgical approaches.” 
A.
If hearing preservation is unlikely,will you honor my wishes not to cut the facial nerve under any circumstances, even if it means leaving a sliver of tumor behind? (The ramifications of cutting the facial nerve are substantial, leaving the AN side of your face, including your eye, essentially paralyzed. There are follow-up surgeries that can restore some mobility, but in my opinion you want to avoid having your facial nerve severed. Period. Unless your life depends on it.) Google “acoustic neuroma facial paralysis.” 
A.
In your experience,when leaving in small pieces of residual tumor on the brainstem or facial nerve, does tumor growth usually stop? 
A.
Given the approach you’ve recommended, what has been your rate of surgical complication with respect to stroke, infection, bleeding, cerebral spinal fluid (CSF) leak, eye issues, and headaches? 
A.
        What do you do to minimize post-surgery headaches? NOTE: If you have a history of headaches, discuss this with your physician. 
A.
How much discomfort should I expect from headaches and from the incision after surgery? 
A.
Does your hospital have a neurological intensive care unit?
A.
About how many days will I be in the hospital? 
A.
How often should I schedule follow-up MRI's after treatment? 
A.
Will I need follow-up care? 
A.
If you’re comfortable with the surgeon and the answers, get at least three references, preferably people of similar age, health, and with tumor size. 
A.
All other things being equal, when can the surgery be scheduled? 
A.

I have googled surgeries, scars and symptoms. I have joined forums and Facebook pages, hit up twitter and instagram - do as much as you can with out letting it stress you out.  Since I found out about this tumor it has consumed my life and while I try my best to not think about it every moment it reminds me that things might not happen again.  Like smiling in pictures, being able to ice skate without loosing my balance, running up and down the soccer field with my daughter and not get dizzy.  I have made light of this since I found out when telling people, but with my first appointment coming up it is starting to get to me and I swear I had an anxiety attack - my chest and ribs felt like something was squeezing them and it was so painful.  It is important to express your concerns and talk about how you are feeling to those closest to you, if you don't think you can talk to family or friends (maybe you feel they are annoyed with you) then talk to someone in a support group or on a Facebook page (shared one in an earlier post)


Wednesday, September 14, 2016

The secret is out, mostly.

When I was told I had a brain tumor part of me wanted to hide it from the world and just pretend it wasn't even there. The logical realistic side knew I had to. When it comes to something like a tumor you can never know the "correct" way to tell people but you can do it your own way on your own terms because it is your story to share.

I chose to tell my siblings and after much deliberation I told my grandparents. I made the choice to wait and tell the rest of my family until I had more details ( my first consult is coming up on Monday the 19th) so I could tell them the entire situation after getting to speak to the professionals. It will be helpful to explain what is going on and more than what I have researched myself.

On the work side of things I was a little quicker to tell people what was going on. Ya see I am more of a planner and I don't like to be in the dark about things so I provide the courtesy to those around me. I decided to tell everyone individually and face to face (as much as I could) to allow questions and time to answer them as best as I could. The thing that works well is that I can create an email distribution list to provide updates from here on out. I simply ask if they want to be included and wrote their name down on a running list.

I have already started prepping my dear coworker who will fill in for me and it already feels like a weight lifted from my shoulders after getting the diagnosis because my focus is nowhere to be found.

I plan to work through the end of this month and then utilize some vacation and take time off before things get going. It will also be a good time to spend quality time with my girls that normally I wouldn't.


The benefit of telling people is you now have a support system who can cheer you up on the cloudiest of days! Getting a text or message or email simply puts me in a better place and I don't think I can express my gratitude enough to those who care.

Sunday, September 11, 2016

I am really disliking the waiting game.

I just want to meet with the surgeon and get going already.The one thing that has kept me sane while playing the waiting game is that I have the opportunity to research as well as meet people who are going through this same thing.  I joined a Facebook group called Acoustic Neuroma https://www.facebook.com/groups/78633792319/
I have already met someone who lives in my city and she let me know there is a support group that she runs and I plan to attend a meeting.  One thing about these groups is everyones story is completely different so as I have been seeking advice I have also need to remember this is my journey and my decision.

As I wait (and wait and wait) I have Googled everything I possibly can, from surgeries on YouTube to pictures of scars. While I know this isn't for everyone I don't like the unknown and if I get as much of the whole picture as possible then I won't feel as though I have lost all control.

After my research my biggest fear is having paralysis in my face......it bothers me to know I might look physically different because of this tumor.  Today we did some family pictures. My mother in law does amazing work, but while we were taking pictures I couldn't help but think about the possibility of it being the last time my face could look "normal" in a family picture.  

I am trying to take control of this situation and do as much of it my way as possible. My way or the highway tends to go out the window when there is a tumor in your head, so finding the moments I can do things my way you can damn well know I am gonna do it.

 I have always wanted to dye my hair purple and seeing as how I could be out of work for up to 12 weeks this seems like the perfect time to do it. I have also always wanted to shave my head and since I am going to choose to do the surgery knowing they will have to shave part of my head I am thinking that a purple mohawk going into surgery will be pretty awesome and full on shave after should meet my need!

Right now, I am grateful I have options and that it really is my decision. I am thankful for my friends who I have told and how much the understand that I need to know I am cared about. I still have some family that I need to tell but they are a little more difficult to tell without knowing exactly what the next steps will be.

Again, this is my tumor and my situation and I need to do as much of it my way as possible and put myself first (HOLY CRAP IS THAT HARD TO DO).

While this journey has just begun, it will be a long one. I will begin with the back story of how it began.

For as long as I can remember I have suffered from headaches, I have suffered so long that I began to just "deal" with them.  Occasionally I would have so bad I would stay home from work or miss my daughters soccer games, but never have I had a headache that caused me so much pain I needed to visit the ER. That changed on August 13, 2016. I woke early that morning, 3 am with a headache that I knew was different, I knew it would leave me bed ridden on yet another weekend day. The difference with this headache is it hurt so bad that I was crying into my pillow as I squeezed my hands on my head trying to make it stop.  My go to pain medication didn't begin to touch it and I knew this was a bad one.

I woke up got dressed and asked my father in law to drive me to the emergency room.

Upon arrival I got the typical cocktail of pain relief and fluids, was provided a CT scan and after no findings was sent home with some migraine medicine, pain meds and anti nausea medicine.

Sunday - didn't feel the greatest but manageable.
Monday - BEST I HAVE FELT IN YEARS no kidding, it is how I would expect to feel all the time. Tuesday - my ears were clogged and I simply thought here comes a cold, dammit.
Wednesday - I wake up and can't hear a thing out of my left ear not a single thing.  Went to a baseball game with my coworkers and we all laughed how I couldn't hear anything out of my left ear and I even sat to the left of people so I could be part of the conversation. 

Because of my headache and the sudden ear loss I choose to not wait and get int to see my DR and opted for another ER visit.

WHAT A JOKE this place was...I walked in with the primary complaint of sudden hearing loss, I had explained I was just in another ER for a headache but that I didn't have one at the moment. SOOO they began treating me for a headache, I was so confused and partially thought well maybe they know what they are doing and went along for the ride.  The told me that my hearing loss was a side effect of the migraine medicine that I was given (mind you I only took two of the pills since Sunday) but I wasn't buying into that.  They gave me another CT Scan, this time with contrast only to come back with no findings.  I again left with nothing other than an arm full of fluid due to the IV popping off inside my arm when the CT guy flushed my IV after the contrast.

Friday - I called my doctor who told me to come on in when I was able (he is pretty awesome like that). He agreed that something was wrong but my ears looked fine and he couldn't seem to figure out what was causing my headaches. He is familiar with my headache history and high pain tolerance so knowing I went to the ER he knew something just wasn't right, right then and there he called to make me an appointment with a neurologist.  The cat and mouse game went on for about a week trying to connect with my doctor (he had some bad misfortunes happen that caused him to close his office temporarily) I knew he had already left a message with the neurologist so I called them myself and was able to get an appointment.

Friday August 26 - My neurologist, what a great experience. He spent over an hour with me evaluating me and asking me questions. He agrees I suffer from headaches but wasn't ready to admit my headaches and my hearing loss were related. He referred me to an ENT and ordered an MRI to cover his needs as well as the ENT, that was nice knowing I wouldn't need to get more than one done. I left the appointment feeling good and optimistic that I would get answers to my questions, his goal was to get me headache free and limit my medication intake for pain.

Wednesday August 31 - I went for my ENT appointment, again yet another positive experience. A hearing test confirmed I had hearing loss, the ENT knew I had an MRI scheduled and said based on my symptoms it would be one of two things 9/10 times it is an inner ear infection so he prescribed me steroids to treat an inner ear infection just in case, he then mentioned that the other thing was an acoustic neuroma. ~I had already researched acoustic neuroma's when my ears first started ringing back in March and was accompanied by sharp ear pain and facial twitching.~
I was convinced it would be an inner ear infection and went straight to fill my prescription.

Friday September 2 - I went into to get my MRI (finally it had been rescheduled twice) at 8am. At 11:30 I received a call from the ENT saying I was the 1/10 and my MRI confirmed I had a 1.5 cm x 1.5 cm x 1.5 cm tumor......I had already looked at the cd they sent home and knew there was something but I of course just didn't know what it was.
The neurologist had already called and got me on the schedule of the surgeon and now I wait until 9-19-2016.






So I headed off on my planned trip with my two daughters for a fun Labor Day and tried to put it in the back of my mind.