Wednesday, October 26, 2016

Can I have a meltdown please?

Tomorrow is officially the day of my surgery.

It is currently 12:30 AM Wednesday October 26, 2016.  I will be having life altering surgery and by this time tomorrow will be in some sort of over drugged, possibly painful aftermath of a long surgery to ultimately take away the hearing in my left ear, cause dizziness, possible facial paralysis, and headaches.  WTF am I doing again???  I don't mean to sound like I am regretting my decision or that I even found out about this tumor but HOW ON EARTH do people not freak out a little about this?

I swear I have gone through the stages of grief over the past month and let me tell you, I am very ready to be off this rollercoaster ride but a little weary of how I am going to feel once it is done.

This post may be a little all over the place but honestly that is somewhat how I am feeling right now.
I keep calling this situation my journey and have addressed it head on.  I feel informed, comfortable and ready.  I also feel scared, misunderstood and sad.  I think I am prepared - I have my kids taken care of, my house is clean an scrubbed from top to bottom I am almost packed for the hospital and feel as though I enjoyed my time before being tied up with the whole healing process for the next month or so.  I also have felt love, disappointment and encouragement since getting diagnosed.

If you know the T.V. show FRIENDS you might remember the episode titled "The One with the Memorial Service" well it is kinda how I felt a couple of times.  Now, not this week but the weeks prior.

Time out - cry break....

I wanted the last couple of weeks to be awesome and fun and entertaining and memorable...I know some people may not understand what I am going through but I do know there are people who know exactly what I am going through which gives me some comfort in not having to explain my feelings or why I felt so alone during the last couple of weeks.  I had some wonderful moments especially this week but I had some really crappy days where I wished and prayed someone would knock on my door for an impromptu visit to just say hi and see how I was doing.  I had plans I had to break because I didn't feel good, I canceled plans because I thought I didn't feel good but really I was just depressed and wasn't feeling up to doing anything.  I understand I am not a priority to everyone but I really needed the extra credit love this month and unfortunately I just didn't feel it (yes I am depressed and yes I realize that is why, but I just need to say it so that I can release the negative)  as much as I guess I was hoping.  I had some really valuable moments and just the thought of those moments brings joyful tears to my eyes because they were not over the top moments but rather quality moments, sipping hot cider and chatting for a few hours, laughing so hard I swore my head would pop off playing games, sitting at a fire in the mountains, drives in the mountains, meals with friends, getting gifts in the mail and a few extra moments in between.  I don't always want people to know how I feel because I HATE to be judged and think that is bound to happen, I don't want to be looked at as selfish I just want to be recognized as someone who is hurting.  I don't want to be looked at as unappreciative, I just want people to know I struggle with worth.

I just want this to all be over with so that I can go back to being my normal self, the self that wakes up goes to work comes home coaches soccer and loves my family.

I cried one time though all of this only once before this post - I cried because I felt guilty for leaving work and causing stress on a person I really like and look at as friend and because I didn't think people would even notice I was gone...seriously how stupid stupid stupid is that I mean what am I, a 16 year old girl who didn't get asked to prom??? No I am a women who knows what she wants, says it and sticks up for people who deserve it.

Sorry, I am finished and will hopefully get a few hours of sleep before driving my beautiful friend to the airport at 5:30 AM (She was my saving grace this week!!)

1 comment:

  1. I know exactly what you are going through I am at the same stage hope everything goes OK for you I will be having my operation on the 27th so maybe we can compare notes once we both feel up to it. Your blogs have expressed exactly how I feel and it is comforting to know I'm not losing the plot. Good luck with everything Vicki @vfk26