Volleyballs and Bubbles

I need to write because it helps me to express how I feel without having to hold it all inside and EXPLODE one day.  I am not doing good at the moment.  I am just having a difficult time trying to pretend I am doing good.  I realized this the other day while I was laughing so hard I was crying and when I calmed down it dawned on me that I just went 5 minutes without thinking about my tumor, wasn't worried about my recovery, I didn't have a running list in my head of things I want done or need to plan for.  The stupid thing in my head, the thing I have so "lovingly" named Arnold whom I am very ready to evict.

People have said to me quite often these words "well at least it isn't cancer" - OF COURSE that is one of the biggest blessing in this whole situation but what is in my head is still not supposed to be there and by finding it I now have to have a major surgery with real deal complications that can permanently change my quality of life.  I have no idea how I am supposed to accept what I am going through is difficult when there is always going to be the comparison.  Now maybe someone says something like that to try and cheer me up, and if that is the case then I am being a jackass for not wanting to hear it?  Of course I would be which is why I would never say anything more than "yes, I am so thankful it isn't cancer".  Even typing that I have that feeling sometimes makes me anxious but I know I am not the only person who feels this way and I want those people to know it is a difficult thing to have cross your mind.

When you have a brain tumor typically you are going to tell people what is going on and when that happens there are a few different types of people you may encounter.

 1.  Let me know if there is anything I can do (gives a specific offer i.e. I love to cook or let me take the kids after school), these people would actually make you dinner if you gained the courage to actually ask for help so do so because this will make them feel good which in turn will help you out. 

2. Let us know what we can do (notice they don't offer it themselves but make it more generic) these people will maybe give you a hug, and they may ask how you are doing but it will be in the hallway as they walk by, not stop by your desk or even send an email.

3. I am so sorry to hear this, I hope you get better soon (no offer to help if needed but genuine concern to heal), these people may want to help but might not have a single clue as to what they can do.  Don't put them out or expect anything from them, just remember them in the moments you feel alone and know that they are there for you if maybe you want to chat or just go get a coffee. These people would be perfect to have around to discuss anything but your tumor which is healthy and necessary so utilize it.

I have become lonely, I know it sounds strange but I have and because those around me don't really understand how I feel each day or that I am depressed because of this path I was forced to take it makes me feel alone.  I am thankful I have the online support group but those people who have gone through this or are going through this aren't available to just drop in for a visit or invite me to lunch, they are there at the drop of a dime to let me post my concerns and questions or to just vent but I need a lot of hugs and human interaction therapy.

My friend told me to think about the things that cause me stress and put them in a bubble and let them float away....she also said I could put them in a volleyball and smash them away as well, it really all depends on the mood I am in.  I love that she gave that suggestion to me because I know it works especially if she is the one telling it to me...she has been through hell the past few years and she is a damn rockstar and inspires people around her all the time, she is living proof that a positive attitude truly gets you far.

Now I just need to remember to be positive....

Diffuser necklace from my sister

t-shirt from my mom

PS - REMEMBER THE FEELING WHEN YOU ARE IN A LOW PLACE AND NEXT TIME SOMEONE YOU CARE ABOUT SEEMS IN THE SAME PLACE SPREAD THE POSITIVE.