Saturday, November 26, 2016

The HARDEST part (for me)

I can't get over how hard this has been.

I really thought things would have gone a little easier but at the same time I know I am blessed that things went as well as they did.  Physically I am on track and maybe even ahead of schedule.  Emotionally who different ballgame.

I just want to say there have been days that I was so depressed I didn't want to wake up and so I stayed in bed, I didn't do anything but lay there for three days.

I needed someone to physically get me up and at it. So my game plan was to make plans with someone knowing I don't usually cancel and figured that would be my saving grace.  My body had a whole game plan of it's own and I really got so bad I even cancelled a coffee date with one of my favorite people during my three day stint in my bed.

People think that I get exhausted because I am healing - - - I mean I did have major surgery even if it doesn't feel that way to me, and yes loud noises make me so dizzy that it wears me out.  For me what wears me out the most has been the depression.  I have battled depression for a long while so it may just be specific to me and my case but just know those days that you don't want to wake up or question your reason for being here are days that someone else may be feeling the same way so try and reach out and be honest with how you feel and what you are going through.  It is OK to admit to feeling weak and to not being as tough as you think you should be. The key is to make sure and let people know how you feel.

This next part might be too much for some of you to accept but I want you to know I have a very brave and strong advocate that I can reach out to anytime I need to talk who is unbiased and has never made me feel weird for being depressed or accused me of just wanting attention (which by the way is the quickest way to make a depressed person streamline to not wanting to live even quicker)

I sat awake one night and started making a list of reasons why I should live and why I shouldn't.  It was all verbal and I didn't write it down but I actually got to a point of feeling so down that I found it necessary to make that list, all during a time when I should be making shopping list for my daughters Christmas.  I accept some people don't understand depression and call people cowards for taking the route none of us want to see someone take. BUT do not ever judge someone who is constantly judging themselves instead send them positive thoughts vibes and words even if it sounds repetitive it is helpful.

I know I can make it through this and as mentioned in a previous post this IS what I am going through and I do know there are people going through their own journey that might make mine seem so minuscule just don't diminish what I am going through because my story is the only story I can try to right the ending for and the only story that has chapters I can learn from.

Reach out to me, know I am fragile, know I desire human interaction, know I will mend.

Thank you to all who have been there for me.  October 27, 2016 seems so far away and the reality is I have a long way to go.

On days you feel weak reach out to the support group you joined on Facebook or reach out to me, I am much better at the whole "do as I say not as I do" mantra.

Stick around, I still have the journey of POST OP to share, those will be motivating because not everyone losses everything in these surgeries.

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